I hope everyone did their taxes. HAPPY TAX DAY! (…lyrics and more shit below.)
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Mixed and Mastered by my new brutha DJ CUTMAN!
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FAIRLY ACCURATE LYRICS:
My fellow Americans (…and to a lesser extent, the rest of the world.)
Uncle Sam here – and when I’m not out scoring some wicked-hot slash or stealing your hard earned money for…God knows what, I’m at home, scoring some wicked hot slash, and listening to sick ass hip-hop!
Here’s one of my faves – just make sure you’ve got your checkbook handy!
NOW BUSS IT NIGGAAAAAaAaAaaaAa
I woke up today, feeling flawless,
I got a really good day ahead,
Gonna do my TAXES! (It’s the LAW, KID!)
Got a bowl of cereal,
Laid out some envelopes, some documents,
…and you KNOW, I had some Honey Nut Cheerios…
I got a theory though – a hypothesis…
…I don’t really gotta do my taxes, right?
I could dodge it…
I’m conscious of the consequences,
And more than happy to contribute and pay my dues to a bottomless deficit.
I got my brand new W-2 and it’s due sooner than later so lemme tell ya what you do,
You get your business receipts laid out, and
ADD EM UP!
…get your business receipts ADDED UP, n’
WRITE EM’ OFF, NIGGA!
…that’s it, done – gotta stack them zeroes, inflate that refund, inflate that EGO, (MY NEGRO!)
And yo my Honey Nut Cheerios? I wrote it off as a Honey Nut BUSINESS MEAL.
Bringin’ truth from the booth playa,
What you gon’ do?
Get your W-2, and throw it up!
I did my taxes bay-baaaay,
(And to celebrate I’m gonna jack off in the bathtub.)
Filed and all done,
Federal, Local, and State – fat refund coming my way,
(And yo…when I’m jacking in the bath I’m gonna bend my wiener up as I’m coming so I can shoot it in my face.)
Daaaamn, I better do my taxes…
Roll a W-2, and pass it,
Smoke it down to a pile of ashes,
Man, FUCK all that “MATH” shit…
My story ends the same way it begins,
I refuse to do my taxes, again,
I went to HR Block with a raging hard cock,
Slammed it on the desk and said SUCK.
I ain’t at a loss to figure out how I’m at a loss,
I got instructions to file my deductions,
I AIN’T NO CPA, NO WAY
Nigga I’m a fuckin’ deductin’ master e-file disaster,
Gotta file ’em faster the 15th is the pastor preachin’
THE END OF DAYS
…that’s right I got a raise,
Now I gotta phrase,
All the fuckin’ ways my pay’s appraised,
So I’m flippin’ and flippin’ through fuckin’ tabs of dumb bullshit,
‘n I didn’t notice since I moved,
My state has taxes just for livin’!
(WHAT?) FUCK THAT SHIT
My wallet’s got moths, flyin’ out like Chinese New Year,
Don’t I pay enough tax at my TJ Maxx when I swipe my card at the cashier?
…oh shit I just forgot,
My stocks in Microsoft been sendin’ me checks,
This shit is gettin TOO COMPLEX!
Sorry can I talk to Mr. Goldstein?
Could the time you left to file be any shorter?
I know but…
Don’t you know you gotta make an estimated PAYMENT EVERY QUARTER
[EXTENDED CHORUS THAT ENDS IN WIENER]
I’m confident in congress,
Pour me shots of tax until I vomit,
(Awww!) My Uncle Sam needs money? I’m on it…(bitch)
Raise my tax and imma’ yawn, and here,
Take my wallet!
It’s the least I could pay,
Livin’ in the USA is a God damn privilege,
Even though most dudes I know are jobless, and struggling and hopeless,
With a broken promise from college,
That put em’ in debt to the neck where the rope is…
…and health insurance?
All hands to the poop deck it’s not as hard as expected,
You fill out some boxes and check
NO or YES,
If you got exemptions,
Or if you’re married or single or…wait why?
You D-T-F I-R-S?
Damn girl – didn’t expect this!
Pull that pussy out and imma eat it for breakfast,
That’s right, like a big bowl of cereal…
That’s right, a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios,
That’s right…I think I’m outta material BYE.
So do your taxes kid, I did, it was on my bucket-list,
Just above drugging a kid,
…and holding him down,
…and fucking him in,
…while he struggles around and wait what…aklsjfklasdfkl
I’m not a pedophile or a rapist yadda yadda…whatever.